An Attempt at Normality
by LiteralBlue
Summary: A collection of random short stories about Rufus, the Turks and the SHM as they try to live normal lives between the game and the film. Contains Eggs, Bacon, Chips and Pie!
1. Copyright infringements!

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, its characters, Lynx, Gilette, the Beegees, a bottle of orange hair dye or Reno's underwear. Alas. I don't own the internet either, but I use it often.

Chapter 1: One big copyright infringement!

All seemed normal over the city of Midgar as, in a small flat, the radio playing a Beegees song (Massachusetts), Tseng hogging the shower (he uses Lynx), Rude shaving his head (with a Gilette), Rufus staring at a bottle of semi-permanent hair dye (bright orange Herbal Essences), and Reno ironing his boxers (white with red hearts on). Elena, as the resident woman, was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. (Hold on, why was Reno ironing? He takes pride in his underwear, that's why!)

She carefully fried the eggs and bacon into one lovely congealed mess, and slopped it on a China Blue ™ plate with a small sea of ketchup for Reno. Rude's salad was thawing on the window sill. Tseng's customary vanilla frosting on gramcrackers ™ was already waiting on the table, next to Rufus's Hartleys ™ jelly on toast. She herself had a bowl of wheetabix ™. At her feet her fluffy grey kitten, Death ™, munched on a Whiskas ™ beef in gravy.

"Breakfast's up! Come and get it!" She called. The four men each abandoned their activities and rushed to the kitchen; Elena beamed at them like a mother observing her evil spawn as they stuck themselves into her food. Elena was a skilled, if unorthodox, cook. And, since Rufus and the Turks were trying to keep a low profile, they had all moved into her flat. Thank goodness she had a spare room (which Rufus had reluctantly agreed to share with Tseng). Reno and Rude took turns sleeping on the couch and a sleeping bag on the floor.

"This is good, 'Laney." Reno attempted to say. Instead, out of his mouth came some untranslatable sound, along with a fine spray of half-chewed food. Elena sighed. Yes, this was exactly like babysitting for little children again. Except that Reno was big enough to be extremely destructive.

Five point four three six seconds after this thought occurred to her, a small bird fried itself on an electrical wire, Reeve finished sewing up a patch on Cait Sith, and an ant named Pete met its end at the hands of a silver-haired teenager with a magnifying glass.

* * *

A/N: This is my first attempt at a drabble collection. Well, actually, I wondered how many ™ labels I could fit into one chapter. Please don't flame me! I'm innocent! points to random man It was him! Anyways… okay, PM or review me with your ideas for: Loz's favourite TV show, Kadaj's favourite pie filling and Yazoo's pet. The most interesting replies will be featured later! (Thanks to Indigo Angel for Tseng's breakfast!) 


	2. Nice, disorderly family life

As the sun set over the back end of nowhere, Kadaj lay in the grass frying ants with a magnifying glass, Loz watched Trisha on the old T.V and Yazoo stood outside brushing his moose. All was, for once, silent. Even Loz's stick insects were lazing around happily in their tank. Or, possibly, they were all dead. But maybe not. _Maybe not_.

Loz groaned. He had left the pie in the oven. He ran to get it out, only to find a large quantity of smoke filling the kitchen. He sighed, groped for the knob to switch off the oven, and opened a window. Yazoo, used to the disaster of Loz's cooking (every time a talk-show came on, he'd get distracted) did not look up from his moose. Kadaj, not even noticing, continued to fry Pete the ant's friends. Unbeknownst to him, the ghost of Pete was extremely angry.

Loz put the pie on the table and cut it open, just a little bit. The smarties and marshmallow inside the pastry had fused into some strange new substance. Loz shrugged. "Kadaj! Yazoo!" He called. Kadaj came running in, whilst Yazoo put his moose in her pen. He came in to find Loz and Kadaj taking turns poking the smartie/marshmallow mess with a fork. It went _boing._ Yazoo watched with interest as Kadaj acquired a carving knife, separated a little of the mess and put it in his mouth. For a few seconds he chewed whilst Loz cut himself a piece, then Kadaj said thoughtfully, "This is an entirely unusual sensation." He then passed out in a small heap on the floor. Loz soon followed.

Yazoo stared at his unconscious brothers for a full minute, then pulled out a permanent marker pen and wondered whose face to doodle on first.

As he was drawing a dotted line across Kadaj's nose, Pete the ant contemplated his revenge, Palmer requested lard in his tea and Reno went on a sugar high.

* * *

A/N okay, so I gave Yazoo a load of stick insects. But someone suggested a moose, and that was too good to pass up. So I gave Loz the stick insects, and Yazoo got the moose. Well done to Nyviay and Cyraxis for the moose idea, and Freya Crescent II for the stick insects. Creativity awards for Indigo Angel. Kadaj's pie goes to -, but an award to creativity for-. Loz's TV show goes to Nyviay and Cyraxis again. 


	3. The redhead and the ice cream

A/N Sorry I've not been writing. No excuse, I am ashamed, I shall burn in the pits of fandom doom… anyways, here we go again! Oh, and for those of you who don't know, a _99_ is the same as a Mr. Whippy.

Elena's ice cream was caramel. Just plain caramel. Because she was _normal._ Rude's ice cream was mint. Just ordinary mint, because he liked mint, because he was _normal._ Tseng's ice cream was vanilla and Rufus's ice dream was banana. Because they were normal, and they were trying to keep a low profile, as they had been told every single time they went out.

Therefore nobody could quite understand why Reno had requested chocolate, rum-and-raisin, chocolate, _99_, chocolate, strawberry and chocolate, with chocolate chips, two flakes, three-flavour sauce, sprinkles and a wafer.

Similarly, nobody knew how on earth he got up that tree, or where his shirt had gone, or how he got so many twigs stuck in his hair, or just how much longer Rude and Elena could convince Tseng that there were other ways of getting him down than pulling out a gun and practising on the conveniently visible moving target.

"Can't catch me! Can't catch me!" Shouted Reno.

"GET DOWN, _NOW_!" bellowed Tseng, his gun having been forcibly removed from its holster by Elena. Reno gave a high-pitched laugh and made to climb a little higher, but the air filled with the sound of snapping branches. He fell through several layers of tree, to land sprawled on the grassy ground, receiving a 6 from Rude, a 4 from Tseng, a 5 from Elena and a 4.8 from Rufus.

"Is he okay?" Asked Elena.

"Don't worry," said Rufus, "It looks like his face broke his fall."

Just as Tseng recovered his gun, Jenova's head oozed slightly more than usual, Palmer was politely informed there was no lard, and Vincent firmly refused to wear the garment held before him.

A/N Okay, as you've probably noticed by now, one of the three events listed at the end of the chapter will be the base of the next. Like it? Planning to mob-tar me? Review! It keeps me alive!


	4. Summer holiday

A/N this is one for the fangirls, and for my forum-buddies SapphireXSerpent and Freya Crescent II, both of whom are rabid fans of Yuffie/Vincent

"Aww, come on!" Yuffie moaned.

"No." said Vincent coldly.

"Why not?" snapped the Wutai girl, reaching for his arm. He stepped away.

"I said no, Yuffie. I don't know why I let you talk me into this holiday."

They were in a hotel room in Costa del Sol, in the middle of a holiday Yuffie had claimed would do Vincent, Cid and Red XIII "some good". At the moment she was trying to force Vincent into swimming briefs, an action he highly resented.

"C'mon, Vinnie! _Please?_ I promise, I won't ever nag you again!"

"That's _exactly_ what you said when you asked me to go trick-or-treating with you. Firstly, you neglected to mention that Cloud's house was on the list, secondly, you never said we'd be taking your _five-year-old_ niece, and thirdly, that moogle costume… I'm sure you still have some photos I didn't find." Yuffie just smiled sweetly.

"But, Vinnie, Cid's wearing a bathing suit and I'll be in a bikini! What are you, embarrassed?"

"Yuffie, I don't tan. I don't sunbathe. I don't _do_ sun, I don't _do_ holidays, and most certainly do not _do_ swimming briefs!" Yuffie's eyes went huge and teary.

"Please, Vinnie? For me? I'll make it up to you somehow, I promise!"

"How?" Yuffie shrugged.

"I've still got that moogle costume… and I'll throw away a few more of those photos." She saw Vincent's glare. "_Alright_! I'll make a deal with you: I'll let you go in normal clothes, and note the word _normal_, mister Dracula, if you go shirtless tonight?"

"Or I could just dress like I always do, and not go out at all." Yuffie frowned, then looked down, teary-eyed. She made a small whimpering noise. Vincent sighed.

"Don't cry, Yuffie! Please don't." Her shoulders drooped and a tear ran down her cheek and she looked at him with those watery brown eyes. "OK, Yuffie, I'll go out tonight, no shirt, and you promise never to even attempt to cram me into that damned moogle costume ever again?"

"YAY!" shouted Yuffie, skipping around Vincent, suddenly cheerful again, and skipped off, leaving Vincent to change out of his usual get-up and into a shirt. Outside, Yuffie's lips curled up in a wicked grin, making a mental note to get the chocobo costume out of the loft.

A/N I have a Halloween Special all ready for you! I'll put it up on the day. Review! Please! I'm addicted!


	5. Halloween Special: Pete's revenge!

A/N: This is NOT my idea of horror. It is pure comedy, as is everything in this fanfiction. You all remember poor Pete the Ant, yes? Well, he was extremely hacked off at being fried alive, so a special chapter featuring Pete for Halloween! Enjoy! (The translation for Kadaj's little speech is at the bottom, but it's not that hard to figure out). Oh, and happy Halloween!

Kadaj grumbled in his sleep, and flipped over onto his other side in an action remarkably similar to that of a fish stuck on land. Always a light sleeper, he awoke at a rustling noise amongst the debris that littered his room. He glanced around, dismissed it and closed his eyes again. Just as he was drifting off, another rustle sounded. He looked up again, and suddenly caught a glimpse of something small, black and probably alive. Not that this was unusual in a house where Loz cooked, but still… He quickly dispensed of it with an accurately thrown ladle. Then he saw it…

Something else, clinging to a strand of his fine silver hair. He met a dark face.

At a loud, girly scream, Yazoo dropped his book and dashed out into the hall, almost crashing into Loz, who was frantically clutching Bubbles the care-bear to his fluffy-pink clad chest.

"Kadaj," they murmured together, and made for the source of the cry, Kadaj's bedroom. Inside they found him frantically scrabbling at his own face. Rolling his eyes, Yazoo caught his brother's wrists. Kadaj fell into Yazoo's arms (in a _brotherly_ way) and started speaking in a very fast, high-pitched squealing voice.

"IthoughtiheardanoisesoIlookedandtherewsnothingbutthenIsawhimonmyhairandhescomebackforrevengeandI'mscaredandIdontwannadieyoucan'tmakemesavemeIwantmyteddy!"

He continued to speak in that fashion until his voice went into ultrasonic, at which time Yazoo slapped Kadaj on the cheek, grabbed his shoulders and shook him roughly. "Get a hold of your self, man!" he yelled. Kadaj looked up at him with a red, teary face. Loz was humming the Coronation Street theme tune.

"Now," said Yazoo, speaking slowly and clearly, "exactly what did you see?"

"I saw a spider so I killed it, but then I saw this _thing_ on my hair and I tried to get it off and it made me hit myself!" Yazoo nodded slowly, a well-manicured fingernail tapping the remnants of a rather pancake'd ant on Kadaj's pillow.

"I see. Well, it's gone now. You were just scared, that's all."

"Kadaj is a scaredy-cat; Kadaj is a scaredy-cat…" Loz muttered quietly. Kadaj stuck his tongue out at his older brother whilst Yazoo tucked the young boy into his pokémon bed sheet, and strode away, Loz in his wake. A few minutes after Yazoo had returned to his perusal of Medieval Methods of Torture and How to Recreate Them In Forms Adapted For Modern Life, the door to Kadaj's room opened slightly again, the picture of Rufus Shinra swaying slightly on the numerous darts that pinned it in place. A large figure appeared in the doorway, singing.

"Kadaj is a scaredy-cat, Kadaj is-" Loz was smacked in the face by another well-aimed ladle.

Up in Ant Heaven, where the termites were the slaves and leaves were abound and easy to bite up, and lady ants were frequent and scantily clad, Pete the Ant was finally satisfied that his revenge had been exacted.

A/N Kadaj spoke thusly: "I thought I heard a noise so I looked and there was nothing but then I saw him on my hair and he's come back for revenge and I'm scared and I don't want to die you can't make me save me I want my teddy!" and saying that so quickly in one breath should be an Olympic event. **Ahem** hope you liked! Happy Halloween everyone!


End file.
